Failure or Growth Potential?

Yesterday began like most mornings.  I fed the dogs then opened up my YouVersion Bible app.  After reading the word of the day I clicked on the Bible plans I have been working on.  This week I started Unhindered by Fear by Esther Marie.  The plan this morning talked about fear of failure.  I am no stranger to failure in my life and over the years I know that from failure I have accomplished many goals and have grown stronger.  While working on my doctorate degree my research was not coming together and it took an extra year for me to graduate. Looking back I see how the time was needed to work on my writing skills and learn more about qualitative data analysis.  This led to a better product in the end and I was better prepared for my defense. After completing my doctorate, I needed a new challenge and running is what I found.  After a few years the running has grown to include swimming and biking. After completing my first triathlon last year, I wanted to improve. Last year’s goal was just to survive, this year I wanted to see if I could place for my age group.  I am fortunate to have a tri group in my area as soon as January rolled around I joined. The main reason I joined was for the open swim sessions they host.  They hire lifeguards to oversee the swim and keep safety as a top priority.  I have done two bay swims with the group and yesterday was my first ocean swim.  It was also my first ocean swim since the tri last year and my first wearing my wetsuit for an ocean swim.  As I entered the water, it was nice having the warmth of the wetsuit but I probably didn’t really need it as the water was in the low seventies.  After getting out past the breakers I started to swim, it was not going well.  My goals for the swim were to get used to the wetsuit and get my face in the water. Something about putting my face in the darker water bothers me and I have been trying to overcome this fear.  As I rounded the first buoy I kept struggling with the wetsuit, the neck felt like it was choking me.  My breathing is too fast and I alternated from breast stroke to backstroke just trying to get everything under control.   I passed another watchful lifeguard about halfway to the next buoy, knowing the ocean I stopped and turned back to the lifeguard and called out for help. As he brought the rescue board closer my original plan was just to rest a minute then continue the swim, once I touched the board I knew I needed to come in.  Safely on the board and heading in I fought back the tears, I am not a quitter and I know training is hard and it makes me stronger and better prepared but asking for help still hurt.  Teammates on the beach were supportive and encouraging but I was still beating myself up mentally.  I left the beach, finished taking off my wetsuit and found a shower to rinse my feet.  Heading home the tears started welling up again.  I started trying to figure out why and what I could change before the next swim, afterall my tri is in less than 30 days. I do not fear the ocean, I have a healthy respect for its power.  Sometimes the ocean life can make me a bit worried but overall that is not an overwhelming fear.  Last year I swam the same route and it was wonderful, so what was so different now?  Maybe it was the wetsuit.  I have been trying to get used to it and have now done four open water swims wearing it, only one swim was alright, all of the others have been a struggle. Maybe the wetsuit makes me feel claustrophobic. I then thought I would just defer the tri until next year. Maybe I am not ready.  Once I arrived home I pulled up my race registration and looked at the frequently asked questions to find out how to defer.  It is too late, all deferrals must be made no later than 45 days prior to the race date.  The bible plan I had read in the morning was not anything I did not already know about failure and how growth comes from that failure if you just push forward, but I still needed to hear that message again.  I could see without that message I would have spent way more time mentally beating myself up over that failure instead of putting it in the proper perspective. The point of this is that instead of throwing in the towel and giving up, it is to reflect and look for ways to improve.  Yesterday may have been a setback in my mind initially, but if I have learned that a wetsuit is not for me and to just swim without it, I will not lose valuable training time trying to get past this obstacle.  What have you failed at only to make an extraordinary breakthrough to success?  I would love to hear about it in the comments.        

I also want to thank the lifeguards for keeping me safe and the tri group for your support.  I appreciate all of the guidance and help.