Friendship

I always felt that I do not easily make friends.  Sure there were days on the playground when you were invited to play with a group and I remember having an epic day but lasting friendships did not result.  Over the years I connected with a person or two and developed some close relationships that always ended due to typical childhood drama and my lack of healthy relationships to mirror.  There were a couple of friendships that dissolved due to moving but looking back they probably would have self-destructed eventually.  So now that I am growing up I realize that I was always too giving to friendships for fear that the other would not want to be my friend if I was not so agreeable, not truly a good relationship.  I cut ties with all of the unhealthy relationships in my life and worked on improving myself to be stronger and interact with others in healthier ways.  When I started writing this post, I was thinking that I am struggling with making friends but what I realize is that I have a bunch of amazing friends already, what is lacking is me.  I have been hurt in the past and so I keep myself so guarded I do not let people in.  I have slowly let some friends get closer over the years but still keep my guard up.  I want to be a friend like my Grandmother was, she had a gift of interacting with others, no matter who you were when you spent time with her she made you feel special.  She didn’t need grand gestures, it was something about her and how she interacted with you that left you feeling that way.  Ask any of my cousins and we will all tell you we were her favorite.  I aspire to treat others like this but I feel I fall short and need to work on this more.  I think I talk too much when I meet someone and monopolize the conversation.  When I do ask questions, I don’t always remember the reply and will ask the same question the next time we meet.  I do not like to ask for help as I do not ever want to burden another but this leaves me not rushing to help friends when they may need it.  I think things like “they don’t want me in the way”, and “what could I say or do to help?” I know the key to friendship is not the quantity but the quality and I am blessed to have many great friends in my life.  I want to be a better friend to those around me, but I am not always sure how. I am not the type to just drop by your house without scheduling ahead of time, I don’t want to impose on someone or make them feel like they have to change plans for me because I showed up unannounced.  Yet, in today’s world of being overscheduled it can be difficult to find the time to spend with friends.  Do you connect as often as you like with your friends or does life seem to be in the way?  What are things others do for you that make you feel special or what do you like to do for others?